Emotions are complicated and we instinctively avoid facing the ones that make us uncomfortable. However, avoiding them can lead to repetitive unhealthy behaviours to help cope — behaviours like substance use, overeating or other habits that we hope might dull the pain.
A powerful tool for navigating emotions and understanding your emotional cycles is the Change Triangle — a framework developed by psychoanalyst and therapist Hilary Jacobs Hendel.
This approach helps to identify, process and release emotions. Helping to build resilience and break free from self-destructive patterns.
What is the Change Triangle?
The Change Triangle maps out three areas where you might find yourself in when dealing with emotions:
Defensive states - these are behaviors and coping strategies you might use to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions. Such as, substance use, overeating, zoning out with screens and avoiding difficult conversations.
Inhibitory emotions - these are emotions that tend to suppress deeper core emotions. They include shame, guilt and anxiety. Inhibitory emotions block you from fully experiencing what you feel underneath. Leaving you feeling stuck.
Core emotions - these are the fundamental feelings that all humans experience. They include anger, sadness, fear, joy, excitement, sexual excitement and disgust. They carry valuable information and energy. When you access and understand them they can be transformative.
The ultimate goal of the Change Triangle is to move from defenses and inhibitory emotions into the core emotions, where you can finally process and release what you’re feeling and reconnect with your authentic self.
Example: the use of substance to avoid shameful emotions
Shame is a painful inhibitory emotion, often stemming from a fear of rejection or unworthiness. Shame might give you messages like 'you're not good enough' or 'something's wrong with you'. These messages can feel unbearable or overwhelming so you might find yourself reaching for substances or other distractions to escape the discomfort.
Unfortunately, while this might give you temporary relief, the shame is just pushed aside rather than resolved. It often resurfaces with more intensity after the effects of the substance wear off. This cycle creates a destructive loop making it even harder to confront the shame, adding layers of guilt and self-criticism.
Using the Change Triangle for navigating emotions
How can the Change Triangle help someone move through shame and reduce the urge to self-medicate?
Imagine Sam, a 32-year-old woman, who's been drinking after work to cope with feelings she doesn’t fully understand. She started drinking socially but it gradually became a nightly habit. After a few years she notices that she’s using alcohol to avoid facing feelings that come up in her relationships and at work.
Sam begins therapy and learns about the Change Triangle. In a session with her therapist, she reflects on her emotions and realises that she often feels a sense of inadequacy. She often feels small and out of place — as if she doesn’t measure up. This feeling is uncomfortable and shameful but it's been so buried that she only encounters it as a vague and painful sensation.
If Sam were to map out her experience through the Change Triangle it might look like this:
Moving through the Change Triangle
By moving through the Change Triangle in therapy, Sam gains an understanding of her emotions and the roots of her shame. By staying with these core emotions she validates her sadness and and can express her anger constructively, instead of drowning them out with alcohol. She learns that these emotions have messages for her about her unmet needs and desires.
With practice, Sam begins to notice her shame without running from it. She does things like breathing exercises to stay grounded and journals to process her anger and sadness rather than suppress them. Over time, her relationship with herself begins to transform. She becomes more compassionate toward herself, letting go of some of the harsh self-criticism. This new inner dialogue helps to lessen the hold that shame has on her and with it the need to drink every night.
The power of awareness and acceptance
The Change Triangle isn’t about fixing emotions but about understanding and accepting them. By identifying defensive behaviors and exploring the emotions beneath them, people can develop healthier ways to manage feelings like shame, anxiety and sadness. For Sam, moving through the Change Triangle gave her back control over her choices. No longer shackled by shame, she now approaches her emotions with curiosity and self-compassion.
Using the Change Triangle in daily life
The journey through the Change Triangle can feel daunting, especially if we’re used to avoiding emotions. However, with practice, it becomes easier to recognise defenses and inhibitory emotions and to move toward core feelings. Every time we process a core emotion, we build resilience and develop healthier coping mechanisms and self-acceptance.
If you find yourself turning to substances or other behaviors to avoid difficult emotions, consider working through them with the Change Triangle. Remember, there’s no wrong way to feel. Emotions are here to guide us and when we learn to listen to them, they can help us grow and move forward.
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